I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
