so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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