you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
