There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I forgot wine drunk hurts
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
