True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
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