Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
