Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I just found puke in my bra..
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
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