I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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