Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
