Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
