she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
