literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Randomize
