When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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