my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
