Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
