Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
