You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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