Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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