I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
