I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
