Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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