Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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