the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Randomize
