My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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