Im at strip club and am horny
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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