I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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