Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
