now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
