she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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