The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
