so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
