I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
