DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
