I have demons in me.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
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