wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
