I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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