Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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