When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I think your dad took our porno
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
