You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
