My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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