oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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