Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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