oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
