I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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