I haven't been this sober since birth.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Randomize
