She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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