WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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