so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
