I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
