I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Randomize
